*I just want to say before anyone reads further – blogging is almost feeling like a bit of a diary for me at the moment. I fear what people may think of me, but, it seems like the only way I can get some things ‘out’.
Please don’t feel obliged to carry on as it’s not really here for reading as such, just, a bit of a mind dump for myself I guess! – But, if someone can find anything within that may help, or….. that’s great!*
From my last post, which gave an insight into my mental health, I’ve received much support, through positive comments and kind words from family and friends.
I just want to say Thank You to you all – and to those who shared my story to help raise awareness a little further.
I’ve also ‘met’ some lovely new friends (online), one of which is a fellow Miniaturist.
But, then it all flips…
Whilst I truly do appreciate everyone’s kindness – with each response bringing me to tears – a big part of my brain said I don’t deserve it.
Why would you?
…you’ve put your family through so much for so many years – and still are.
But, its true.
Other responses I’ve recently received include:
You lunatic. Pathetic. Weak. Self-Interested. Little Shit.
Words – so easy to throw at someone, but, impossible to take back.
These comments spin round and round, cancelling out any possible thought that I do deserve kindness.
These comments just confirm to me the thoughts I already feel about myself – it must be true, if others think it.
Another person I’ve ‘met’ as a result of my last post is Lana Pummill, who recently published a beautiful post about her attempted suicide.
Aged 15, she felt like her life was over for a number of reasons – but, now, aged 32, she has 2 beautiful children, a wonderful husband, being “fueled by coffee, hugs and giggles”
She truly is such a lovely lady, who is now using her blog to try and help others who may be suffering a similar situation.
Please do have a read of her post here: My Darkest Hour: Helping Others Find The Light
Reading other posts from her blog – which has the wonderful name of ‘Finding inspiration in the chaos‘ – truly does just that!
I feel close to her as I don’t feel as alone, knowing that this beautiful soul has been through so much and is now able to smile.
It’s really odd, to have such a bond with a new friend (and one I’ve never even met either) but, every single word she types resonates so highly with me, bringing past and raw emotions high – it’s like she is sitting beside me…I wish she was.
*I don’t know what to think of this, if I should – or if it’s just a coincidence – but, Lana shares a name with my Puppy.*
But, at the moment, I truly do feel I’m Lana Pummill, aged 15.
Everyday, for the last 2 weeks or so especially, everything is getting to me.
Daily life is getting worse and very quickly.
Even 12 hours in A&E last night doesn’t have any effect to my thinking!
Whilst it was quieting down, the fear of food is returning stronger.
The need to exercise to ensure I’ve physically done enough each day to deserve what I am having to eat. It’s too higher calorie intake for the day (especially for what I’ve done)
Not wishing to sleep so it won’t be a new day – thinking if it just continues, it wont all tart again…but it does!
My anxiety levels: I spend the most part of each day in tears – recently starting to have panic attacks, as it’s all getting too much.
Everything is going to go wrong – a hair in my bowl, hands unwashed (for the 7th time), contamination, spiking, the wrong amount, it tastes odd…
Self harm: Cuts to my arm, leg, shoulder… short term relief.
I get so angry at people – but I’m not…I’m only ever at myself!
Everyday is the same – full of tears, struggles, anxiety, pain.
I’m a dog with a bone…
I’m desperately unhappy.
Where has the light at the end of the tunnel gone?